I have noticed a lecture event that has been circulating on Facebook for a long time, entitled: It is no more a pity for you than for others. For some, a provocative title, and for others, something they are more than happy to support. I am not familiar with the lecture and only mention it as a statement about what it awakens in us to read the title. I would like to think that it depends on attitudes, how lucky you consider yourself in life, or whether you have been well taken care of.
A few weeks ago, billionaire and business owner Traasdahl was at Skavlan, where he mentioned, among other things, a question that for him determined whether the person he was interviewing was suitable for the job or not.
The question was precisely: How lucky are you from 1 to 10?
If you answer 9-10, you have had it too easy, and lack the depth needed. If you answer 2-4, you are too marked by adversity, lack the fresh clarity and possibly you are bitter. If you answer 6-7, you are the right person, according to Traasdahl. You have had to fight, you take responsibility for life and have an optimistic outlook.
I think it's an interesting perspective that I share. We humans need to be realistic, not expect more than we've been given and have a positive attitude towards life. To be there on the 6-7 scale, we also need to heal our wounds, if we carry some wounds in our souls. And in this lies the realization that it can actually be a pity for you and someone else, sometimes. Because I think that there are many who are always met with a correction or a kick in the ass when they really need to heal a wound, and need to be seen. This correction may just as well come from themselves – and society applauds such people.
You're in trouble! It's about mastering and getting over the pain.
But when the person actually lets themselves down and does not meet what is true, aren't we doing society a disservice in the long run? Because what are the consequences of going ahead and not paying attention to what the body is communicating? In the long run, the consequences can be stress and illness. Maybe conflicts are bred and one becomes ignorant of other people's feelings and loses empathy with those who "feel for them". Maybe one projects and creates scapegoats. Maybe one develops anxiety and depression, just look at the statistics on the use of antidepressant medications.
There is a fundamental belief in our society that meeting certain needs creates more of the same need, and that the person benefits from being stronger than their need. Or that we treat the symptoms of the needs with medication.
Where is the logic in this?
How on earth could we have believed that comforting a crying child feeds their need for attention and encourages them to manipulate their parents into crying more? All research shows that it is the opposite. When children cry and are comforted, they gain trust. I am cared for and can relax. I don't have to hold back my tears, and then use a lot of strange methods to show that I am sorry, or try to get mom and dad to comfort me. I am allowed to have my needs.
Being met with emotions creates secure children. Children who become more independent, genuine and happy. Children who do well in life.
Simple is often best.
I think the same applies to us as adults. That when we are seen and heard, it will not breed laziness and suck the power out of our feet so that we choose to stay on the couch and moan, instead of going out into the world and living. When we receive care, it will not breed greed and attention-seeking. It is the opposite. A person who is seen and heard gains security, dignity and self-acceptance. It makes the resources that live in the person available, come out and the person dares to use them. The person shines up and refreshes and wants to contribute.
Perhaps Father's society reflects generations of people who were threatened by tears and were unable to comfort, because it hurt. Tears in children cause pain and anger, and one explains away or justifies it with: we shouldn't sew pillows under the child's arms! It doesn't hurt to lie unclothed, then the child is trained to be independent and adapt to life.
The truth is probably more that children who grow up this way react in the same way as their parents, and are threatened by both their own and others' tears. It is also not the case that the unmet needs disappear, that the tears dry up on their own. They accumulate and make you want to carry a lot of unresolved crying that is disguised as other things. Anger and aggression are also a natural emotion that is an important means of communication, but which is not tolerated very well. Because here too, Father society comes in and is threatened. Psychologist Hedvig emphasizes that forbidding an emotion has consequences.
Quotation:
Children today are not allowed to show aggression, educators and others with good intentions have created many rules and systems for this. The idea behind it is that aggression leads to violence, and we are all against violence. This is an assumption that is not true, most aggression never leads to violence, the starting point for the moral condemnation of aggression is wrong. Because aggression is part of the communication that must take place between people and if it does not find a good expression, it becomes destructive. The child tries to say that something is wrong, but is not heard - instead the child is diagnosed or has an "aggression problem". Because aggression is for long periods of time the only way for children to express their dissatisfaction. "I feel that I have no value at the moment. I am not feeling well. Can someone help me with that?" Instead of listening to the message, we condemn the child who is trying to express something. We inflict a feeling of guilt and shame on our children for completely normal behavior. (end of quote)
Are we aware of what we do to children's self-image and self-esteem when we fail to meet them? It can change who they are and their experience of who they are. When these children get older, they will carry many internal conflicts. In many cases, it can be turned outward and people start accusing others, finding scapegoats and causing a lot of harm in secret, and people become preoccupied with control and power. Or it is directed inward into self-destructive behavior.
What if many of those who fall outside of work and society struggle between society's inability to see them, but rather categorize them, and the inner baggage that is never sorted and integrated. They are left with a chronic lack of needs. Their symptom picture is misunderstood and becomes a confirmation of mental illness and victimhood, and they are often medicated to a sicker symptom picture. A distinction is made between them and us. We are the healthy ones. We go to regular jobs. We don't have such problems. I remember a man I know spoke exactly like this, a kind of contempt wrapped up as logic, as if his attitudes were an unwritten truth.
Children who grow up without being confronted with their intense feelings will have many painful experiences that they carry in lumps inside, and they have many undigested emotions. It's like there's a child inside the adult who is still crying, but who is hidden behind a door. Such a boy can also be inside the adult man who goes to work and contributes to the community fund every single day. He's really good at hiding what he feels, he's used to focusing on other things than feeling, and he takes extra care and says that life is not for wimps. One day he can't take it anymore. He might get an illness, or he might lose interest in life. Finally, someone pushes him to go to a therapist, and he can't stop crying.
He is lucky and meets an alert therapist who asks: how were you treated as a little boy? Were you allowed to cry? He answers no, it always made me feel very ashamed. The therapist thinks that this man has never been comforted, and he needs a lot of comfort first and foremost. He gives the man space, permission and acceptance to feel the repressed emotions.
The man in the therapy room may judge himself and have negative thoughts when he encounters all these old feelings. They will fill his head with violent stories, perhaps paranoid thoughts and inner demons that cause fear and anxiety. That is why the healthy therapeutic space is so important. It should allow all of this without labeling and diagnosing. Without judging. I tolerate you and I understand you.
There are still forces that in another therapy room would focus on categorizing, diagnosing and medicating the man. It is possible that the man is sick. His symptoms must be treated first so that things do not progress. The man must be led back to life management.
But life mastery is to endure what is. It is to be true to one's own story. In the beginning, the man needs the therapist to do this job. The therapist sees and meets the man so that he can go through all the processes and find peace within himself. Then the good, healthy and wise thoughts and mastery will come by themselves. It does not need to be taught! It does not need to be programmed. And this man will probably score just a perfect 6-7 on the test for a job at Traasdahl.
The danger is if the therapist is threatened by the emotions themselves. Perhaps this is the case in many therapy rooms. If the therapist can only use the head brain and not the stomach brain, he will have a problem if he is not allowed to categorize and diagnose. He will be helpless if he is to make room for the man, because he does not have access to his own inner space. And since therapists and doctors are not superhumans, they will do what most people do when they feel threatened, they will resign and find a way out of the predicament. They will try to become safe again. Then it is up to mental control and start thinking of diagnoses, and willingly confirm their authority.
A person is rich because they are self-healing and always have the ability to create something good through the basic state the person lives in. The basic state cannot be created with the thoughts if we are separated from the emotional childhood, and have repressed emotions floating around and visiting us as something else. That is not what we should use our heads for either. The most important brain is in the stomach and is about emotions. If it is healthy and active, a fantastic dialogue is created with the head brain that gives healthy and fresh thoughts.
We must believe in each individual, and stop using scapegoats. Many of those who are unable to deal with their inner unpleasant feelings are looking for a symptom bearer who can divert attention and who can reassure them. They often feel bigger and stronger in the presence of worn-out people. Such people are probably found among the staff in psychiatry as well. Who is helping whom? In psychiatry, many patients will notice if they are used in this way, and we can only imagine how traumatizing it must be for them.
The whole group of people who feel, willfully or not, whether they stand up straight or not, pave the way for all the others to feel without stigma and misinterpretation. They contribute to the current time of struggle and the common fund of the future. If it weren't for them, how would we gain new knowledge about consciousness, behavior, and the undervalued childhood?
How should we learn about projections and the use of scapegoats? There are many who, in light of their history, help society so that we can all understand more about ourselves.
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